Reflections

You know those employee evaluation thingies? Like self-evaluation? I think it's time for me to do that, because I have yet to do such a task, in a broader sense. I think I've evaluated my faggotry in specific instances, but 'tis time for a general survey of my life. If it isn't satisfactory, I'm going to have to terminate my employment. Although I'm still a valuable employee. Where's my stapler?

Obviously the most immediate of things have been college applications. I applied to most of the UCs, and am planning on applying to USC, University of San Diego, and Boston University, all very good choices. I think I have a fair shot at getting into my first choices, Berkeley and USC, respectively. Academics and extracurriculars are solid, but I fear my downfall will be my terrible SAT score. It's not that bad, but it's not very remarkable either. My personal statements, which I went to great lengths to embellish and exaggerate, were not welcomed with critical acclaim from others. But it doesn't matter because they're just looking for the best-written cliches anyway.

I have a few apprehensions about the application process, but what I'm most afraid of is college itself. The reality of it is that I will be accepted to some school and I will attend said school. One constant I've always noticed is that college is big and scary. Big and scary enough to induce change in people. Sometimes its for the better, sometimes its for the worse. Change is inevitable, and that scares the living hell out of me. This is something I can't control and like it or not, some part of me will be different once I leave the rosy gates of whatever school I attend. Moreover, the roots I've established here, what friendships, influences, or whatever will also be gone. Maybe less so if I attend Berkeley, but if Boston accepts me, the only thing I'll have left here in California are my smelly, old parents.

When mothers have to let their kids go, it's unbearably hard for them. I can't say I'm a mother, or gone through it, but just considering the looming prospect is enough for me.

School is pretty satisfying, to be honest. But I've found I no longer give a shit about classes unless they're interesting. During my time at Ohlone and just in general, I've realized the futility and stupidity of the current education system. School is an institution for learning, not proving what you've learned. Some kid may grasp the concept of something, and that should be plenty. The only reasons why I have high grades in classes is because I actively want to learn, to become a more informed person, and that in turn, makes me a better person. Economics is plenty interesting to me, but I shouldn't have to take a bunch of stupid tests, listen to god-awful lecture, or anything like that. Bad teachers are like, the worst thing on this planet.

"How's your love life, tiger?"

Short answer: Fuck you.

Long answer: The few excursions I had into this kind of thing, as brief as they were, were loads of fun; the experience and learning from it was what I valued about it most. I convinced myself I was head-over-heels in love with her, which I think to be entirely plausible. I was entirely devoted to her well-being and comfort without any regard for my own happiness. And when things went south, I desperately (and successfully) turned it back to the way it was. I even endured...stories...shall we say, that I didn't want to hear.

Sounds like the fucking definition of "Friend Zone" to me.

But as time went on, I got a little better, didn't mind nearly as much. But it's still at a point where getting over it would be nigh impossible, so I'm not even going to try. The idea of it becoming more than friends, while certainly, appealing, is also nigh impossible, so I'm also not even going to try. The only way that would come into fruition is if the other party initiated it. I certainly still care a great deal about her, which will make the aforementioned switch to college all the harder, but shit happens. I do have to concede I feel like she's a whole other half that I need. A yin to the yang. The House to Wilson, the Holmes to Watson, the Rob Halford to Judas Priest. I could go on. I asked a question, "Why do we keep people who are the opposites of us around? To keep us balanced or because we enjoy their company." That works for me. In the end, I can just take comfort in knowing that the experience, the process I went through over the summer was something I wouldn't trade for the world. Maybe if they threw in some pie with it, I may consider it.

So in the words of Whitesnake, "Is this love?"

Yep.

I've also resigned myself to the fact that finding female companionship while I'm still here will also be nigh impossible, not going to try, etc, etc. The fact of the matter is that it takes too damn long for me to get close to someone, which I feel should be the basis for any relationship, faggoty as that sounds. I'm not too miffed about it; maybe I should get a dog.

I've always felt like a cultural heathen. Never seen enough movies, read enough books, listened to enough albums. I've started up a process of watching a fuckton of movies, reading all kinds of books, poems and plays, and listening to good music. I feel like I'm compensating for something while also feeling like it's a separate education of some kind. I'm enjoying it greatly. Maybe I'll use the blog as a record of shit I've done. You know what? That's a pretty good idea...

It's been a very comfortable, amusing ride. But in about eight, nine months time, the slate is wiped clean? The next great adventure? Certainly. But even Indiana Jones was scared when he recovered the Ark of the Covenant.

PS. I can't believe I ended all that meaningful rambling with an Indiana Jones joke.