The Path

From what I understand, I'm good at things. I'm a good writer, argue passionately and cogently, and criticize like a pro. I'm interested in a lot of things: Literature that has a philosophical base, movies with compelling stories and interesting camera techniques, and trying my hand at writing original stories some times, to varying success, obviously. I also like biology, understanding the history of lifeforms on earth, how the human body works, the natural order (Mother Nature fucking us up with hurricanes and the like). I think it's all fascinating stuff. The sciences in general are always interesting. I also think I'd make a great lawyer, combining the passionate arguments with logical facts and procedures and the like. That kind of thing.

And while I think I would be a good lawyer, and I would get filthy stinking rich arguing in court and drafting up contracts, it's something I really wouldn't care for, honestly. What you're good at and what you want to do don't necessarily overlap. I don't want to be one of those people who sit around their thousand acre mansions pondering what to do with their money while their trophy wives go off and have sex with the poolboy and their kids do heroin. Wealth doesn't guarantee happiness, but it does give you certainty. You'll be certain you'll never have to experience poverty. And how comforting is that to know, in the back of your mind?

But you always end up wondering what could have been. What would my life be like if I took that job as writer on SNL? How would I be doing if I never stole those Yu-Gi-Oh cards? What if that stupid Jew didn't shoot me down like a plane over the Midway? And what if I pursued my passions instead of working 9-5 at a job I'm good at, but hate? What if, after getting a degree in English, I moved to Los Angeles and took up a job as a waiter in a restaurant in Rodeo Drive, trying to slip execs a script? What if, instead of transferring to Boalt Law, I went to UCLA, changed my mind and went to their renowned film school to learn about screenwriting? And what if it just so happens that I landed my foot in the door and got approved for a budget to make a film? It would be my dream.

My secret ambition has always been to become a director, a writer, a producer of films. It simply combines my love for writing and movies into a nice little package, but I always knew it was next to impossible. Martin Scorcese and Quentin Tarantino started out pretty cheaply, the latter getting his foot in the door just by talking to the right people while he was working in a video rental shop at age 22. Lightning doesn't strike twice, or seven times, as The Curious Case of Benjamin Button would have you believe. But I feel if I don't pursue my interest, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what if.

Of course, it could be the case that I become a lawyer, get sucked into the world of torts and nonverbal contracts and only wanting to re-emerge after several years with a lot of money to burn. I could fund myself? Perhaps I should put my dreams on hold, focus on a more realistic and plausible path in life. The question can still be answered in two years, after I finish my English major. Who knows where the wind will take me? The only thing I want is to not live a life of regret.