The best of both worlds

Well, let me tell you about the fantastic day I had! Golly, it was a hum-dinger. I woke up at around 9:30, but decided an hour of sleep would do wonders for my health. After all, there's nothing quite like getting enough rest to go about the rest of your day with! I had some cereal too, but it appears someone put the bag inside the box upside down, and then tore open the bottom of the box, so cereal went everywhere! Oh brother, but I had it all swept up in a manner of minutes! I finished the milk too. It tasted really fresh!

The day I had today was comparable to being crucified with blunt nails shaped like dongs. I'm telling you all about it if only to vent and tell you uninterested masses about my unfulfilled and putrid existence. Why do I wake up at 9:30 when the only benefits it affords me is allowing me more time to stew in my misery? I'm going back to bed, to hell with being healthy. I'd prefer to stay unconscious, where I'm not tortured by my overactive imagination and idiotic proclivities of the hooting teenagers driving down my street. But I better have some breakfast, which has been delayed by some fucking moron sabotaging the box of cereal I was planning to stuff down my craw. Now it's all over the kitchen floor and I have to sweep it up before a swarm of ants consumes it and subsequently the rest of my house. And what do you know, I just had the last of the milk and now I want to die.

Oh, how I love to exercise! I managed to finally break my record today. I wanted to see how many crunches I could complete in three minutes, and I pulled off 300! The new ten-pound barbells I picked up the other day burned up my arms something awful, but it's part of the bodybuilding process! It's a bit hot today, making exercise a lot tougher, but it'll all be worth it in the end!

Funny how managing a super-human feat like 300 crunches makes me feel just as vapid and empty as I have for the past few days. The new weights feel like several needles full of asp venom delivered straight into my major veins. If this is how people get muscles, then I am committed to eating McDonald's for the rest of my life and limiting any physical activity to strictly masturbation. And Jesus fucking Christ, it's like a Mumbai slum up in this bitch for how hot it is. If I wanted to die slowly of heat stroke, I would do jumping jacks in the Sahara.

I had a delicious meal today! Lean turkey meat on toast, with some protein bars and shakes to mix it up. I made myself a little fruit platter too, with grapes, strawberries, blueberries etc to add a bit of flavor. Golly, it was delicious. I could eat this stuff for the rest of my life, I tell you.

This fucking toaster oven is fucking broken. Why is it incapable of doing the simple task of toasting my bread? Why must I continue to reset it after every ten seconds? This turkey is drier than Hilary Clinton's vagina after a trip to the Dead Sea. Why the fuck is all this fruit rotted and soft? It's like eating a pimple or a corpse's flesh! If I ever eat this stuff again, it'll be too soon.

I finally finished The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemmingway. What an excellent book! I especially enjoyed the strong characterization of the cast, and the intriguing setting of Pamplona, Spain. The author sure loves his vivid descriptions. I do too; it makes me feel as though I'm there, running with the bulls!

Killed a nugget of time finishing up Hemmingway's first novel. Pretty exceptional work, and I especially dug all the drinking, brawling, and sex that comes with the fiesta. Of course, Hemmingway has to kill myse buzz by portraying it as vacuous and unsatisfying, so I guess it all cancels out. But it was still a fantastic read which brightened up my day a smidge. Which is right there with giving a burn victim a bandage and claiming that's about as good as it's going to get.

Time for a shower, and then I'm going to watch American Psycho! The book was one of the best pieces of contemporary literature I've ever read, so let's hope the adaptation can capture what's so special about it.

Time to stew in my filth, and then I'm going to try to add meaning to my life by watching an inevitably poor translation of one of my favorite novels. No doubt the film will tarnish whatever fond and psychotic memories I have of Ellis' fine satirical work.

PS. Hooray, I'm graduating tomorrow from an institution that prides itself on a different style of education but attempts to poorly emulate the normal going-ons at other schools. Here's to sitting in the blistering heat listening to a guest speaker blither on for forty minutes about nothing in particular.