Stuff that pisses me off: Volume 1

Jesus Christ, I've been pretty mellow on the pure, unadulterated hatred front for a few months now, but the past couple of days have really cranked my abhorrence wheel up like a sloth on crystal meth. I am referring, of course, to the wildly reported outbreaks of swine flu, a deadly, lethal, dangerous, mortal, debilitating, crippling, horrifying, biblical plague, the latest in a line of diseases that the media deems so fit to exaggerate for better ratings and to fulfill their monthly scare-mongering quota. In the Bay Area, grandiosely describing the abduction and murder of that little girl from Tracy wasn't quite doing it, so hey, let's try to wet some pants with this new sickness!

I'm not going to quote statistics, or specific cases, or any data for that matter. All everyone needs to know is that a certain strain of the flu, supposedly originated in Mexico, has spread like a wildfire on cocaine, resulting in the shut down of various facilities, such as schools and churches. Quick aside: Mexico's poorest regions are shitholes, and we're surprised that diseases are spreading? It's like working inside of an empty septic tank and becoming shocked when you're covered in gallons of liquid shit. What's even more appalling is that people who caught the disease were hospitalized, then released with a clean bill of health, as evidenced here: http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSTRE53P23920090426

You see? If the most destitute people in the world can survive a nasty bout of the flu like this, why in the name of Jehovah are the people who live in the most industrialized, medically advanced society suddenly wearing doctor's masks and ostracizing people who sneeze like they've possessed by a demon? I'm sorry I missed the memo where Satan told all of his demons he would be manifesting himself on earth as a harmless effect as a result of a harmless cold! And the people who actually died of the disease I suspect had compromised immune systems, were already in poor health, or simply didn't receive medical care. It's a fucking strain of the flu. It's treatable. Even in Tijuana.

What else pisses me off about this whole affair? Ah yes, the unquellable hysteria that it brings on. Any change to society, any exaggeration, the advent of the downfall, will cause panic among the people. Of course, when it's an actual threat, say a Category-5 hurricane capable of decimating everything from here to Azerbaijan, the obvious thing to do is to sit on your porch, spitting chewing tobacco into an old coffee tin as a prostitute with beads provides you with furious fellatio. No, evacuating would be mildly inconvenient! But when something as minor and insignificant as a slightly more virulent type of flu comes out, the first instinct is to gobble down antibiotics, cold meds, and holistic bullshit like Airborne and those things that are little more than Vitamin C megadoses as though they were delicious candy. My God, the people who use antibacterial soap, antifungal deodorant, antiviral testicle cream – they're part of the problem. Simple biology dictates that certain strains of whatever nasty organism you're tangoing with are resistant to certain measures, and when they develop resistances to whatever you've been using, then you're kind of fucked aren't you? Methicillin-resistant staph aureus was bred by our own stupidities, and when we're about to cough up our lungs through our assholes, we realize that we should've listened to the doctor's instructions.

Hey people. Remember SARS? Bird flu? Anthrax? West Nile Virus? Yeah, they were touted as the possible trigger for a global pandemic too. Did it fucking happen? I don't think so. Maybe there were just four different flukes. Or maybe we're all just panic-prone idiots that suck up every word of the ratings-hungry media dumps into our willing mouths, like a good-mannered prostitute. The Black Plague was a pandemic. Smallpox. But those took place when there was no medical technology and about as much sanitation as my toilet. Stop acting so goddamn crazy, and if you do get swine flu, just have some chicken soup. You'll be fine.

PS. I have bird flu from being so ASIAN.