Fucked up ways to die

There are many.

But the worst one would be death by Candiru.

Although it is quite rare to encounter this horrifying, parasitic bastard, if you happen to be swimming in its waters, be afraid. Be very afraid.

The candiru, or Vandellia cirrhosa, a fish so feared that the second part of its binomial nomenclature is named after a degenerating liver condition, is most commonly found in the Amazon River and El Rio Negro. Also common to these waters are bloodthirsty piranhas and deadly crocodiles. So you know this thing is lethal when the natives fear it over all else.

The candiru is tiny. The biggest known specimen was only six inches long. What's so scary about it, you ask? This pugnacious little bastard hunts for prey by detecting ammonia and urea expelled by the gills of other fish. Once it locates its prey, it rapidly darts towards it, slips into the gills, and, using its spines, lodges itself in place. As if having a little parasitic fish inside you isn't enough, the evil thing begins to gnaw through a major blood vessel. Omnomnomnom.

Of course, fish aren't the only things this asshole fish feeds on. People unfortunate and foolish enough to urinate in the river are also susceptible to the Candiru. The fish can swim up any orifice, the anus, the urethra, the the vagina, anywhere is possible. As such, it is impossible to remove without surgery. Though it's likely that the resultant infection and systemic shock will kill you before some Brazilian doctor who got his degree over the Internet can touch your genitals with a bladed apparatus.

This has been a public service announcement. Do not piss in the Amazon or Black River.