100th post

Surely it calls for some kind of special post, but I'm not up for that, so I'm just going to make a normal post on some abstract subject, namely depression and dealing with it. In the course of a few weeks, I have been plagued with it, but like the knickers of an indecisive whore, it's been coming and going. The combined stresses of school and the looming horizon of everything else have contributed to this, as well as mania. So maybe I'm bipolar, I don't know.

You know those Zoloft commercials that say "depression hits you like a brick?" They're only partially right. It does hit you like a charging bull, but it's also like a parasite. It attaches itself to you, slowly begins to drain you until you do a damn thing about it. That's a tall order, being depressed prevents you from doing things that you would ordinarily otherwise do. Something drastic has to happen in order to break you out of this cycle, or you could take the low road and take antidepressants. But I find it more of an experience if you can cure yourself of your ailments. It' a learning experience, and you learn how to deal with it next time.

What contributes to this? Looking at my plate, it's just the ordinary stresses of a high school senior, isn't it? Not entirely, no. If that were the case, I'd just be taking the challenge in stride, glad of the distraction and experience. It's what the completion of the challenge entails. What happens when I've been accepted to college? I'm yanked out of my cushy, comfortable, complacent existence and tossed into a dog-eat-dog world. That was kinda the case with Ohlone, but I still lived comfortably, everything was fine. On the other hand, if I get accepted to my first choice, or, God forbid, my first out-of-state choice, I'm fucking gone.

I'm gone. I've lost everything that's established. The things I've done here, my writings, my GPA, what I've done through Interact and whatever, the few friends I have, it's all gone. The slate is being wiped clean, and that scares and depresses the living hell out of me. It probably won't be the case that that will happen, but my inherent pessimistic nature automatically assumes the worst, and that makes me miserable. I know I should think more positively, but that's like asking a turtle to stop being such a slow motherfucker. It's just in my nature, and while I can certainly try, it's not exactly easy or anything.

There are other things that have made me blue as well. I look at myself, and then I look at everyone else and they are clearly superior to me. Superior in their motivation, their execution, and dedication. Comparatively, I might as well be sleeping all day. Someone who can juggle a job, a club, school, and prowl for assholes is more dedicated than I am. Someone who can have more extracurricular activities than you can shake a stick at is more motivated than I am. Someone who can keep a girlfriend, be extremely sharp, all while dealing with the same crap I have to plow through is obviously cooler than I am. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, but again, I can't help but compare myself to others. Maybe it's some sort of mechanism to make myself a better person, but at the moment, the only purpose it serves is to depress me.

Lastly, I feel as though I am being excised from other people's lives, the ones that matter. I'm usually quite selective about the people I like; most people I deem douchebags, but the ones that escape my harsh adjudication are usually quite special. So it sucks when I begin to assume that I'm no longer relevant. That being said, it's probably not true. I'm probably being a paranoid idiot, and it's just temporary, which has already been evidenced. It's most likely my awful pessimism rearing its ugly head again.

It's unfortunate to see this. My pessimism and cynicism has safeguarded me for years against disappointment, time after time. But maybe now it's that parasite I mentioned earlier - the root of all my sorrows. Being sad really damn sucks, I'm not gonna lie. I lose all appetite, all I want to do is either drink or smoke cigarettes, and sleep. I really don't want it to be the case and I don't want it to be permanent. On my friend's blog, there was a very appropriate line: "Enjoy everything, so that you can miss it appropriately when it is gone."

The truth of those words are unbelievable. Life shouldn't be about brooding and misery, but it's all that I can muster at the moment. Something needs to change for the better. I can't afford to be like this. Living in misery isn't living. It's the opposite, and I need to get out of this rut.

PS. I'm coming home again. Maybe we can start again.