Mongrels

Children - the spark of innocence, the hope of the next generation, and the continuation and perpetuation of ideas. Accurate words to describe them, for sure, but do you know what other description fits them to a tee? Bratty, disrespectful, pugnacious, intolerable. Admittedly, you must be a pretty bad parent for your kid to embody all these characteristics, but some times they can arise from out of nowhere, like a vengeful bear emerging from a long hibernation (How many times am I going to use this metaphor? As long as it's still cool).

My opinion on children fluctuates from "Aw, so cute." to "Euthanize that thing." Funnily enough, babies don't cause me much annoyance. Something inherent about them prevents me from seizing them from their inattentive caretaker and tossing them down a flight of stairs - they're babies. Cute, innocent, helpless, poopy babies. It's entirely understandable that they cry into the night. It's understandable why they crap more than a fat man who just devoured an entire buffet and had a bit of chocolate laxative - it's because they're babies!

On the other hand, if your kid is crapping all over my floor, crying because they didn't get the Kid's Meal toy they wanted, or generally being unbearable, I reserve every right to wish swift death, pain, and retribution upon him. The kid is five years old, what did you spend all that time and money on, taking baths in ice cream!? If you're not prepared to raise your child properly, why'd you get knocked up in the first place? I'm sure there's varying degrees of how to "properly" raise a child. Here's my definition:

The kid musn't make a scene over trivial matters. The kid musn't crap or piss himself.

I don't think that's unreasonable to ask of a five year old. Of course, by age 5, my ideal kid has read most of Shakespeare's work, learned to play the guitar, dance salsa, write thought-provoking pieces with a saucy lexicon, and be able to fence. You know, pretty much everything I wish I could be.