A Travelogue

So, Outside Lands was absolutely goddamn amazing. I only got to see two bands, but even if I didn't get to see anyone, I would've still had a blast. So let's run down the adventure I had on Friday, because it was a grand one, I can tell you that. That being said, here's the Dramatis Personae:

Bao "Olympian" Nguyen
Austin
Lucas
Mosher
Bela
Dolan

So. After pestering Lucas for several hours over the phone about which Muni and BART line to take, I establish a meeting time of 2:30, so that we have enough time to take the 2:51 BART up to San Francisco. Of course, Lucas, Mosher, and Austin are all late, so we have to take the 3:06 BART. The plan was to avoid the massive rush of people, but upon reflection, if I wanted to do that, I should've left at 5 in the morning. So anyway, Lucas, Mosher, and Austin eventually get here. Lucas is accosted by four douchebags wearing stupid ass hats. More on that a bit later.

We get up to the platform and a couple of trains. A few trains are out of service, which prompts The Four Douchekateers to loudly proclaim "BULLSHIT!" We settle into a train that takes us straight to SF. During the 40 minute ride, I eavesdrop on several conversations. I see Lucas hitting Mosher a lot, the Four Douchekateers talking loudly and obnoxiously about football, parties, sex, and "Dude, she's only 15!" I wanted to shove them into an electrified track.

Now, we get to SF, and see a vast crowd of people swarming the gates like ants. We get some change for the MUNI thingy and head downstairs, where the swarm becomes a vast infestation, complete with a Queen and several Drones. It's incredibly crowded, navigate-able only with a shotgun and some booze to help you forget what you did. So after much deliberation and insulting Mosher, Lucas and Austin figure out we need to go on the N Line. At first we argued we needed to go on the M Line and the O Line or something, but those trains weren't even a little full. How to find your way: Follow the immense crowd.

And immense it was. The sheer amount of people packed into the MUNI trains was akin to several Holocaust survivors in a bunk. (Too soon?). We had to wait for at least three trains to pass before we could squeeze into one. During the extremely slow ride, Lucas, Austin, and I played a game where we would balance on one foot while holding onto the rails. I surrendered after a few minutes while the other two, clearly inhuman and among the likes of E.T. managed to play for at least 15 more minutes.

So after mocking Mosher some more about his inability to count, we finally reach our destination: 19th and Judah. So we walk a few blocks, see Golden Gate Park, our destination in front of us and joyously run in, only to realize we have about half a mile of walking to do. On the way in, we encountered the likes of desperate ticket scalpers, Afro-Americans wielding lawn chairs, very garishly dressed homosexuals, and, surprisingly, normal, middle-aged people. Lucas was especially surprised that the concert wasn't polluted with prepubescent screech-cunts.

Eventually we reach the ticket...place. We're greeted by another crowd and some hostile bees. I manage to dodge the stingers of death and get into the festival no problem. Mosher and I decide to take a quick excursion to the bathroom, whereupon a boisterous, obese monstrosity begins yelling at the urine on the floor. Quite a surreal experience. So we do our business and enter the park, hearing some sounds from Manu Chiao. We grab some pizza and decide to go see the Black Keys as opposed to Beck. We make our way to the other end of the park and enter the decently sized crowd, the smell of marijuana and stale beer being our welcome wagon.

So after some waiting, the Black Keys come on and proceed to rock the living shit out of everything in existence. I practically break my neck headbanging to them, and "dancing." I wouldn't really call it that though. So some people begin to thin out to get to Radiohead and I move up, not noticing whose view I'm blocking - two dwarves were right behind me. I was extraordinarily embarrassed, so I moved to the side. During the set, Dan Auerbach kept switching guitars, so I asked Lucas what they were, boldly claiming "It was a Stratocaster!" I didn't mean to say Stratocaster, I mean to say a Fender, because the stock looks like the one Fender has. He and Mosher teamed up on me. Jerks. At least I got the SG right.

Anyway, the Black Keys were absolutely amazing, and I even recognized a few songs. Towards the end of the set, a bunch of drunk guys began to stumble around in a pseudo-mosh pit. I was all like, "Meh." It wasn't big enough to be worthy of my attention! So towards the end, I tell Lucas we should hurry up and get to Radiohead otherwise we wouldn't be able to get close. Oh, how right I was.

At this time, Bela and Dolan touch down in San Francisco. They call up Lucas as we briskly walk to the other side of the park. Turns out their MUNI train broke down at 6th and Judah, so they had to walk the rest of the way. That translated to "30 blocks," though I'm not sure how. They're trying to get to Radiohead while we try to dodge beer-wielding fatsos and hypothermia. At last we get up to the field and try to navigate through the crowd. Much easier said than done.

Navigating through a crowd of 60,000 drunken, high, and stumbling Radiohead fans is like navigating through the Minotaur's Labyrinth while blind, deaf, and missing your legs. I completely lost everyone, at least temporarily. I managed to run through the early parts of the crowd pretty well, but once I began to reach the meat, it was like driving home from San Francisco at 5 PM - complete and utter deadlock. It seriously took me 15 minutes to move up like 10 feet. I really wanted to see the stage, the beautiful visualizer. As I elbow my way up, taking advantage of the tiniest opening, a woman comes dragging someone unconscious, presumably, along the crowd, screaming "Clear lane!" Nobody really moves, so she screams "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! MOVE!" She gets access to the "Disabled Persons" platform, with a clear view of Thom Yorke and the crew. I really couldn't focus on the set while rampaging through everyone.

Eventually, I settle on a nice, roomy spot. Austin manages to find me and we don't move until it's over. For the record, Just and Karma Police were off the goddamn hook (I had to ask the guy next to me what they were playing >_>). So I began to anticipate Creep, their signature song or something at the end. I was sorely disappointed, but their last song was pretty boss anyway. All in all, it was a great show, though I could've done without the constant pushing and shoving. But that pales in comparison to what happened after the concert.

So, Radiohead finishes their set and the crowd of 60,000 people begin mobilizing in one direction. Talk about a clusterfuck. Again, it was moving at seriously one mile per hour. I nearly lost Austin a few times too, which is weird. So he and I manage to make it to relative safety, wherein I collapse from standing up for eight hours. The cell phone reception is piss poor, so it takes a while before we manage to contact Mosher, Lucas, Bela, and Dolan. When we finally do, we go off the path and amazingly straight back to the street, where several buses and MUNI trains are running.

As we walk down to our destination, which we still don't know, I encountered an unpleasant surprise. Nina screams at me from across the street. So after hugz and formalities and a suppression of a desire to throw her onto moving traffic (<3), we decide our destination is 24th Street and Judah. We manage to squeeze into a MUNI bus and we're on our way home! Too bad the MUNI ride is slower than a tortoise with no limbs and is hotter than the Human Torch in a sauna, but we eventually make it to BART, after foolishly getting off at the wrong stop.

At this point, Lucas begins to get worried that we might miss the last BART train on the transfer to Bayfair. So as we comfortably collapse in our seats, we find this not to be the case and get home to Fremont relatively pain-free. Aside from shooting urine from five feet away into a disgusting toilet, it was all good. The journey, to be honest, was just as fun as the concert. Outside Lands is the shit, and you're shit for not going to it!