America, fuck yeah!

While you're scarfing down apple pie with one hand and masturbating yourself with the Stars and Stripes with the other on this gloomy July 4th, perhaps you'll take a minute and wonder what constitutes "Patriotism." What makes you a patriot? Is it going overseas and defending your country's ideals to your last breath, or is it something as thoughtless and idiotic as attaching a bumper sticker that says "Support Our Troops" to the back of your car? And where do we draw the line between patriot and nationalist? Sorry to bum you out on a day of celebration and debauchery, but fuck you, you'd probably be miserable anyway.

There's a fine line between patriotism and nationalism, though it's incredibly easy to confuse the two; just look at those flag-waving, shotgun-wielding, sunflower seed-spitting, ass-backwards rednecks. When you're a nationalist, you're fucking blinded by your love for your country, so much so that you condone whatever wrongs your nation is committing and feel that you yourself are superior to others just because you live in said nation. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I dunno, my definition is a bit vague, I don't think I can connect it to any 20th century regimes in Central Europe led by an Austrian madman or anything...

On the other hand...

Patriotism, I think, simply is loving your country. But like Haddaway once said, "What is love?" I'm going to shoot for an extremely simple metaphor here. If a parent loves their son, but he is failing school, what would be the responsible thing to do? Celebrate his shortcomings? (Hooray, you got held back from the 2nd grade for the fifth time! Let's have beers!) No, any trustworthy parent would help the kid improve on his mistakes, to help see him through his darkest hour. A patriot loves his country, but isn't afraid to criticize, especially in a democracy like America. Why would anyone want to live in a country crippled by high gas prices, the looming threat of a recession, and a housing crisis? A patriot wants to help rectify these problems, to keep his country strong. That, in my sick, twisted mind, is the definition of a true patriot.

I bemoan people who wave little American flags and stick jingoistic bumper stickers onto their cars. I find it utterly retarded that these meaningless gestures can be construed as patriotism. Wake up, those gestures mean nothing, kind of like when a single person decides to picket something. It is worth jack, or shit, let alone jackshit.

Happy 4th of July!

PS. In spite of their influence on our country, the Founding Fathers pale in comparison to Teddy Roosevelt Jr. This badass landed with the first wave of troops at Normandy, found that he was a mile off course, and walked with the aid of a cane to reconnoiter the surrounding area. From there, he quickly thought of an attack plan, boldly declaring "We'll start the war from right here!" He most likely needed that cane to help him walk due to his massive balls of steel weighing him down.