Now I know why Elvis shot that TV

Let me be blunt for a moment, like the baseball bat I'm going to use to smash in my cable box. Most television is abhorrent and the people who run the television networks that broadcast their programs should be flogged, waterboarded, and then given a nice cup of joe made from the excrement of syphilitic baboons for their admirable efforts at retarding this already dumb-as-shit nation.

People often say to me, "Bao, you exemplary mastodon. Surely you don't think all television is bad? You yourself love House!" Why yes, I do indeed, but that show is in a different league. There's strong characterization, compelling story arcs, and intriguing medical mysteries that actually might teach you a thing or two (you could make the case that each show's layout is identical to the one before it, but you could also make the case that you have no idea what you're talking about and should shut up before I shoot you in the mouth with a staple gun). Television shows that place a strong emphasis on unique and original story telling with a good cast of characters and strong production values are always going to be impressive. The script for House is always sharp, witty, and hilarious and the characters are excellently portrayed and have good chemistry. What's not to like? I'm sure you could make this case for Lost, Dexter, Monk, The Sopranos, whatever. I have nothing against quality storytelling. If only these programs could merge with the Discovery Channel and the History Channel and we'd have one television channel that delivers non-stop quality programming all damn day. After they cut out Smash Lab, of course. That show fucking sucks.

My problem, however, is that these shows are the sole Megalodons in a sea of shitty tiger sharks (I really, really like sharks). I was flipping through channels yesterday during The Daily Show and watched a commercial featuring a show called Lipstick Jungle, a dramedy featuring, get this, three women living in New York trying to balance their jobs, sex lives, and family in the Big City. Does that sound fucking familiar to anyone?. This is merely one example. These tiger sharks are uninspired, cliched, recycled garbage. Admittedly, I haven't seen these shows (though why would I want to?, but it doesn't take a seasoned television critic with experience in the business to tell what's quality storytelling and what isn't).

Recycled garbage isn't the only problem. Sensationalism is running fucking rampant, permeating every facet of the media, like Motaba (anyone who gets this joke wins five Internets). Fox News is the goddamn quintessence of sensationalistic, right-wing propoganda. Read this and get outraged (irony!):

FOX News calls Obama's fist pound a "terrorist jab."

It's not just Rupert Murdoch's propaganda station that's guilty of the advanced form of Yellow Journalism. Even local news stations are luring in viewers with headlines that claim things "they don't want you to know!" in hopes of improving their ratings.

As for reality television? Fuck it.

PS. I am guilty of watching Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, but what can I say? Watching Gordon Ramsay is like watching Gregory House in real life. Hey, at least I'm not watching American Idol.

PPS. I couldn't find a suitable synonym for "superman" without ripping Yahtzee off, and mastodons are fucking cool, so yeah.