Gay shit and feelings

Despite the depressing title that I blatantly stole from a friend's blog, I'm actually quite chipper. In the past few weeks, much has transpired, but being the oh-so thoughtful person I am, I've come to realize that there's nothing particularly wrong with me.

About two weeks ago I declared my undying, immortal, zombie love for a certain diminutive princess. It was a great weight off my chest, to be honest with you. I had liked her for like goddamn years so it was great to clear the air. She shot me down because she's a bitch (just kidding, <3), but I was surprised to find myself content with her decision anyway. Strangely enough, closure, so to speak, is so nice that everything else seems silly. But the official call was that we remain extremely close(;)) friends. I did tell her I would always be here, even if her parents want to emasculate me with a pair of salad tongs. They might have, allegedly saw a somewhat offensive Myspace with supposed racist and sexist comments. But that's all hypothetical and theoretical. Like quantum entanglement. But I digress.

With this occurrence, I also came to a realization that I'm old. Not in the sense that I'm a math teacher and feel like a relic of a bygone era when my students don't know what a 33 RPM record is, but I feel a lot older than I am. In my 17 years on this godforsaken earth, I haven't been chasing girls too much. I suppose I wanted to avoid that stereotype, of a teenager being a humping pile of uncontrollable hormones, which isn't anything negative. In fact, I applaud all who manage to...ahem, pick out the corsage properly by age 16. I think I've escalated myself, not sure if it's good or bad at this point, to a stage where I'm, hilariously, I thought when I first came to this conclusion, "Waiting for the right girl."

Let that soak in for a moment.

I'm fucking 16! I shouldn't be "waiting for the right girl" like a 20-something romantic who writes sensitive poetry and waxes nostalgic about the one good relationship he had years ago! I should be out there humping the legs of bitches, getting shot down on a regular basis instead of once every 16 years, and occasionally finding success when the girl's ugly and desperate enough!

But alas, that's what I am. I was waiting for the right person, biding my time, and treading the water to see if it was the right temperature. And Her Royal Highness was the perfect shark in the water to devour me messily :]. We were friends first, yeah, which I thought was a complete screw-up on my part, but is it so wrong to want to know someone well before you make a move? Yeah, the "Friend Zone" is always a hanging menace like a flock of starving vultures as you cross the Sahara Desert with naught but a piece of driftwood, but I dunno. If I like someone, getting to know them even better makes me like them even more. Which I think is a curse, and only occasionally a blessing. But my main point is, I feel out of place. I'm a goddamn teenager, shouldn't I be acting like one instead of a miserable, nearing middle-age guy? Granted, I'm still miserable, but that's beside the point. Bu I better lighten this paragraph up before you start pitying me. You earn the distinction, Princess, of being the only girl who I rely on for happiness. <3. That makes me sound like a dope fiend, but it's not like I consider you to be heroin or anything. Let's just say I'm an addict of many drugs, and you're the cocaine.

I just handed you more dominance and power on a goddamn silver platter. Now at least dance nakedly for me for a few minutes! :]

On a serious note(are you dancing yet?), my other revelation on this issue was that, "Do I really need a relationship to make me happy?" I figure I'm always miserable; nothing really keeps me happy for a long time. So by that logic, a relationship would probably provide me with some happiness for a short time, but like everything else I have, I would soon grow tired of it.

But at the same time, some scientists have said that human beings are different from inanimate objects! Crazy I know, but maybe that has something to do with it. I think that has some reasonable grounding. After all, I'm always in a jovial mood when with friends. Even if I'm playing something by myself and am joined by someone, whatever I'm playing is made more fun. On top of that, I like new things. I view every new thing as a game, something to play with. And a relationship would be a back and forth, sweatier, more erotic game of chess, at least in Princess Peach's case. I think I would want one, but at the same time, I wouldn't be upset if I weren't in one. But I still want one. Shit. But still, I'm in no rush, college is right around the corner. But I still want one. GIVE IT TO ME >:O

Although I am one of those "LOSER VIRGIN, HAHAHA" kids who didn't do shit in high school, I'm not exactly too miffed about it. I can take pride in knowing I'm at least not a super conservative cunt who focuses only on school. I can also enjoy the fact that whoever says that to me is an insecure pillock who needs to pull his head out of his ass before he chokes on his small intestine.

Anyway, that was the first time I've ever expelled my personal thoughts on this kind of thing. It's also quite liberating, to be honest, but I'm not too happy about it. I would be happy if her Majesty didn't have such a stick up her ass and would hurry up and see The Dark Knight with me, because I'm going through some serious fucking withdrawal now!

Eh, I wonder if any of this is at all rational.

PS. Sorry, no snarky PS comment today either. Come back when I'm not bone-dry out of funny. We'll get some in stock next week.

PPS. The names of people mentioned in this rant were changed to protect the innocent. But if you know me at all, you already know what I'm talking about. But if you know me, and don't know, and can't even hazard a guess, do me a big, huggy-wuggy favor and go lie down in the middle of Highway 17.